Like many of you, I’m still trying to adjust to the idea that the owner who presided over something as special as 8 NBA championships in 22 thrilling years is the same owner on the precipice of trading both Shaquille O’Neal AND Kobe Bryant in the space of less than three years.
I’m also getting accustomed to the idea that a man with a PhD in physical chemistry from USC, along with a bright and worldly young superathlete who lived overseas and was bilingual before he got out of elementary school, could morph into Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels.
Jerry Buss, meet Lloyd Christmas. Kobe Bryant, say hello to Harry Dunne.
You thought Daniels getting his tongue stuck on ice in “Dumb and Dumber” was stupid? Trading two otherworldly Hall of Fame superstars, two basketball virtuosos with once (or twice) in a lifetime talent, is so stupid, it makes “Dumb and Dumber” look like a MENSA training film.
So how did the franchise of Kareem and Magic, Big Game James and the Coop a Loop, Shaquille and Kobe and Hollywood and the Laker girls, reach this nadir in Buss’ ownership, which was positively brilliant up until 2004? How have they managed, pray tell, to trash such a terrific, model franchise? Here are some of the mistakes I’ve come across while reading Dr. Buss’ latest book: “Hey, That’s Not My Grandaughter, It’s My Date.”:
KOBE’S BIG YAP
The same hypercompetitiveness that makes Kobe the toughest and most talented hombre in the NBA apparently bleeds over into the Bean running his mouth when he should remember who he is, how a real star is supposed to behave, and just zip it up. Calling Buss a “liar” and an “idiot”, as Kobe did when it was caught on tape in an Orange County parking lot, was an act of extreme disrespect. You don’t rip the guy paying you the budget of a third world country. You especially don’t rip the guy who had your back when your whole life went upside down because of a hotel indiscretion in Eagle, Colorado. Kobester, in case you forgot, Buss chose you over Shaq! And you pay him back by calling him a liar and an idiot? You do that at my company, you pass Human Resources, collect $200 and head to the unemployment line.
BUSS’S FALSE PROMISE
I know the good doctor is a good poker player, but as long as I’ve known Jerry Buss, dating back to the pre-Laker days when he owned something called the World Team Tennis L.A. Strings and his superstar was an Amritraj brother, he has never been a liar. So fair to ask: When he was coercing Kobe to re-up and not opt out to join the crosstown Clippers, why did Buss promise to put better players around Kobe and a better product on the floor? That has not happened. Not even close. His front office hasn’t done anything that I can see, and I won’t even mention Mitch Richmond or Aaron McKie after putting a period on this sentence. Buss was guilty of misleading Kobe, and that wasn’t right, either.KOBE’S SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT
Apparently this keen, appreciative student of NBA history, a young man who has always indicated he at least knows there was a league before he arrived from Pennsylvania, has conveniently forgotten that giant talents like Pete Maravich, Patrick Ewing, Charles Barkley, Karl Malone and John Stockton, to name just a handful, played their entire careers without winning an NBA title. Heck, Maravich played on crummy teams and I never heard him complain publicly about the slugs he had to play with, not once. Kobe, you’ve won 3 NBA titles. That’s not as many as Russ or Magic or Mike or, now Tim Duncan, but it’s more than most players get. Where is it written that it is the moral responsibility of the Lakers to put star talent around you? And by the way, just for the record, they tried…more than once. They offered Minnesota Lamar Odom and Andrew Bynum, exactly what the T-Wolves wanted, but Kevin Garnett is said to have vetoed the deal. Why, Kobe? Because he read what you said about the Lakers’ front office, that it had become inept, bungling, decietful. So KG got turned off and now he’s a Celtic. Honestly, 24, that was the fault of your big mouth again.
BUSS’S FAMILY TIES
Confession up front: I don’t know Jim Buss from Jim Belushi. All I know is that Jerry’s eldest son wasn’t doing much of anything besides counting his inheritance from daddy before he suddenly and not very surprisingly morphed into another Buss All in the Family executive. What we hear is that he has had a growing and now influential hand in player personnel matters, partnering with GM Mitch Kupchak. If that’s true, I hope it wasn’t Buss fils who had a hand in the drafts where the Lakers passed on, oh, Carlos Boozer in 2002, Josh Howard in 2003 and Chris Duhon in 2004. Boozer and Howard will be perennial All-Stars when Dr. Buss is actually HAVING grandchildren instead of dating them. Don’t look for Laker draft picks Brian Cook and Sasha Vujacic to appear on the resume of Buss fils anytime in the next millenium, either. Von Wafer, we also hardly knew ye. But here’s the catch: as Kobe is finding out when he challenges the competence of Buss’ progeny publicly, and blasts it privately in harsher language, blood is thicker than water, even when the water is an oceanic talent like Kobe Bryant.SO WHAT NOW?
Face it, all this Laker drama is making Britney Spears look like a family therapist. Bryant and Dr. Buss, they’ve both acted foolishly spoken rashly and turned what should have been private business into public dirty laundry. Theirs has been a dangerous, destructive and needless game of verbal oneupsmanship. Presumably, both proud star and proud owner want the same thing, for the famous franchise to be made right again. So this is what has to happen to avoid outright Armageddon on Figueora Street:
–Lakers, do NOT trade Kobe. Do not trade him for 10 cents on the dollar, like you did with Shaq. Do not trade him for Josh Howard, Moe Howard, Curly Howard, Shemp Howard or Howard the Duck. Do not trade him unless you can get Chicago to pony up Luol Deng, Ben Gordon, Kirk Heinrich AND Tyrus Thomas. Only then will you even have something reasonable to consider.
–Kobe, shut up and play. Take something for your Front Office Bashing Tourette’s. The team around you ain’t the ‘72 Lakers, ‘77 Blazers, ‘85 Lakers, ‘86 Celtics or ‘96 Bulls, true that. But they ain’t Charlotte, either. Figure out how to make these guys better. Infuse them with your singular passion. Get them to guard someone. And Kobe, based on last season, it wouldn’t be a bad idea if you got the number of the guy you’re supposed to defend, either. Oh and KB: be a man, do the right thing, apologize to Dr. Buss. He isn’t an idiot and everyone’s entitled to become an old fool.
–Finally, Dr. Buss, apologize to Kobe. I’m sure you’ve defended your front office, tried to explain more than once how they have offered L.O. and the kid Bynum and, darnit, came up empty. But explain it again. Tell Kobe they’ll keep trying. Remind him again that the second most important city in America still almost loves him. Remind him, too, that he’s Kobe Bryant, and that Kobe Bryant doesn’t stay in the training room icing fake injuries because he’s moping. And you should apologize, too for making Kobe feel unimportant when you said, stupidly, pointlessly, that you would be open to listening to offers to trade him. What did THAT accomplish? Other than create the fine mess you’re in now, Stanley. I don’t recall Jerry Krause ever saying he would trade Michael Jordan, and Krause could barely get an egg salad sandwich in his mouth without half of it ending up on his tie. Besides, Dr. Buss, you’re too old and too rich and you have accomplished too much to get in a pi**ing contest with an employee less than half your age. But at the same time, like the pater familias you are supposed to be, you have a right to tell Kobe he is paid very handsomely to “strap it up” and lay it on the line every single night, like Kobe Bryant always has.
And then, Dr. J, when he opts out in two years, there’s always option C: Selling the farm.
by: Ted M. GreenI’m also getting accustomed to the idea that a man with a PhD in physical chemistry from USC, along with a bright and worldly young superathlete who lived overseas and was bilingual before he got out of elementary school, could morph into Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels.
Jerry Buss, meet Lloyd Christmas. Kobe Bryant, say hello to Harry Dunne.
You thought Daniels getting his tongue stuck on ice in “Dumb and Dumber” was stupid? Trading two otherworldly Hall of Fame superstars, two basketball virtuosos with once (or twice) in a lifetime talent, is so stupid, it makes “Dumb and Dumber” look like a MENSA training film.
So how did the franchise of Kareem and Magic, Big Game James and the Coop a Loop, Shaquille and Kobe and Hollywood and the Laker girls, reach this nadir in Buss’ ownership, which was positively brilliant up until 2004? How have they managed, pray tell, to trash such a terrific, model franchise? Here are some of the mistakes I’ve come across while reading Dr. Buss’ latest book: “Hey, That’s Not My Grandaughter, It’s My Date.”:
KOBE’S BIG YAP
The same hypercompetitiveness that makes Kobe the toughest and most talented hombre in the NBA apparently bleeds over into the Bean running his mouth when he should remember who he is, how a real star is supposed to behave, and just zip it up. Calling Buss a “liar” and an “idiot”, as Kobe did when it was caught on tape in an Orange County parking lot, was an act of extreme disrespect. You don’t rip the guy paying you the budget of a third world country. You especially don’t rip the guy who had your back when your whole life went upside down because of a hotel indiscretion in Eagle, Colorado. Kobester, in case you forgot, Buss chose you over Shaq! And you pay him back by calling him a liar and an idiot? You do that at my company, you pass Human Resources, collect $200 and head to the unemployment line.
BUSS’S FALSE PROMISE
I know the good doctor is a good poker player, but as long as I’ve known Jerry Buss, dating back to the pre-Laker days when he owned something called the World Team Tennis L.A. Strings and his superstar was an Amritraj brother, he has never been a liar. So fair to ask: When he was coercing Kobe to re-up and not opt out to join the crosstown Clippers, why did Buss promise to put better players around Kobe and a better product on the floor? That has not happened. Not even close. His front office hasn’t done anything that I can see, and I won’t even mention Mitch Richmond or Aaron McKie after putting a period on this sentence. Buss was guilty of misleading Kobe, and that wasn’t right, either.KOBE’S SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT
Apparently this keen, appreciative student of NBA history, a young man who has always indicated he at least knows there was a league before he arrived from Pennsylvania, has conveniently forgotten that giant talents like Pete Maravich, Patrick Ewing, Charles Barkley, Karl Malone and John Stockton, to name just a handful, played their entire careers without winning an NBA title. Heck, Maravich played on crummy teams and I never heard him complain publicly about the slugs he had to play with, not once. Kobe, you’ve won 3 NBA titles. That’s not as many as Russ or Magic or Mike or, now Tim Duncan, but it’s more than most players get. Where is it written that it is the moral responsibility of the Lakers to put star talent around you? And by the way, just for the record, they tried…more than once. They offered Minnesota Lamar Odom and Andrew Bynum, exactly what the T-Wolves wanted, but Kevin Garnett is said to have vetoed the deal. Why, Kobe? Because he read what you said about the Lakers’ front office, that it had become inept, bungling, decietful. So KG got turned off and now he’s a Celtic. Honestly, 24, that was the fault of your big mouth again.
BUSS’S FAMILY TIES
Confession up front: I don’t know Jim Buss from Jim Belushi. All I know is that Jerry’s eldest son wasn’t doing much of anything besides counting his inheritance from daddy before he suddenly and not very surprisingly morphed into another Buss All in the Family executive. What we hear is that he has had a growing and now influential hand in player personnel matters, partnering with GM Mitch Kupchak. If that’s true, I hope it wasn’t Buss fils who had a hand in the drafts where the Lakers passed on, oh, Carlos Boozer in 2002, Josh Howard in 2003 and Chris Duhon in 2004. Boozer and Howard will be perennial All-Stars when Dr. Buss is actually HAVING grandchildren instead of dating them. Don’t look for Laker draft picks Brian Cook and Sasha Vujacic to appear on the resume of Buss fils anytime in the next millenium, either. Von Wafer, we also hardly knew ye. But here’s the catch: as Kobe is finding out when he challenges the competence of Buss’ progeny publicly, and blasts it privately in harsher language, blood is thicker than water, even when the water is an oceanic talent like Kobe Bryant.SO WHAT NOW?
Face it, all this Laker drama is making Britney Spears look like a family therapist. Bryant and Dr. Buss, they’ve both acted foolishly spoken rashly and turned what should have been private business into public dirty laundry. Theirs has been a dangerous, destructive and needless game of verbal oneupsmanship. Presumably, both proud star and proud owner want the same thing, for the famous franchise to be made right again. So this is what has to happen to avoid outright Armageddon on Figueora Street:
–Lakers, do NOT trade Kobe. Do not trade him for 10 cents on the dollar, like you did with Shaq. Do not trade him for Josh Howard, Moe Howard, Curly Howard, Shemp Howard or Howard the Duck. Do not trade him unless you can get Chicago to pony up Luol Deng, Ben Gordon, Kirk Heinrich AND Tyrus Thomas. Only then will you even have something reasonable to consider.
–Kobe, shut up and play. Take something for your Front Office Bashing Tourette’s. The team around you ain’t the ‘72 Lakers, ‘77 Blazers, ‘85 Lakers, ‘86 Celtics or ‘96 Bulls, true that. But they ain’t Charlotte, either. Figure out how to make these guys better. Infuse them with your singular passion. Get them to guard someone. And Kobe, based on last season, it wouldn’t be a bad idea if you got the number of the guy you’re supposed to defend, either. Oh and KB: be a man, do the right thing, apologize to Dr. Buss. He isn’t an idiot and everyone’s entitled to become an old fool.
–Finally, Dr. Buss, apologize to Kobe. I’m sure you’ve defended your front office, tried to explain more than once how they have offered L.O. and the kid Bynum and, darnit, came up empty. But explain it again. Tell Kobe they’ll keep trying. Remind him again that the second most important city in America still almost loves him. Remind him, too, that he’s Kobe Bryant, and that Kobe Bryant doesn’t stay in the training room icing fake injuries because he’s moping. And you should apologize, too for making Kobe feel unimportant when you said, stupidly, pointlessly, that you would be open to listening to offers to trade him. What did THAT accomplish? Other than create the fine mess you’re in now, Stanley. I don’t recall Jerry Krause ever saying he would trade Michael Jordan, and Krause could barely get an egg salad sandwich in his mouth without half of it ending up on his tie. Besides, Dr. Buss, you’re too old and too rich and you have accomplished too much to get in a pi**ing contest with an employee less than half your age. But at the same time, like the pater familias you are supposed to be, you have a right to tell Kobe he is paid very handsomely to “strap it up” and lay it on the line every single night, like Kobe Bryant always has.
And then, Dr. J, when he opts out in two years, there’s always option C: Selling the farm.
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